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Win Tickets!!!

Answer the following questions
and win two tickets to the 2011 Super Bowl:



1. Which student seems to appear tired/sleepy?

2. Which ones are male twins?

3. Which ones are the female twins?

4. How many women are in the group?

5. Which one is the teacher?

6. Which two just finished a joint?



V




V




V




V




V

I guess you're not going either...
 

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A short slightly steamy romance story for the new year...


He held me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room. I had never been there but I knew this was his room. I knew what he was going to do to me, and I knew I was going to let him. The door closed quietly and we were alone.

He approached silently from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and caressing upward along my tender calves slowly and steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved under my skirt to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. His knowing fingers continued upward across my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, his teasing hands quickly moved to my shoulders and slid down my tingling spine.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. "This is a man," I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say...
“Okay all done. Here's your purse, ma'am. Have a nice flight."
 

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--- Dear God:

For 2011, all I ask for is a big fat bank account and a slim body.
Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.

Amen
 

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A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Budweiser on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in and immediately says: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!".
 

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One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.

He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."
 

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"Senior surprise"

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and she squealed with excitement. The old man said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY WEEKEND!'
 

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Joke

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
 

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Joke

Humor
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place
 

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Joke

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
 

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Humor

Silverado Chevy,
I stopped by the Chevrolet dealership yesterday, for a look at the new 2011 Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...
The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership... Damn guy had no sense of humor.
 

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Its Irish Joke Time!

John O'Reilly hoisted his Guinness and said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the
Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come out."
:7:
 

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A married couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge was so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.


The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.'
But we didn't use them," the husband said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. Since he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens. They didn't get there by being stupid!
 

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The Ultimate Irish Fantasy

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a harrowing escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old oil lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To Patrick's amazement, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness, as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke,

"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

:7:
 

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Murphy showed up for Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father; a while back I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine, and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat after all… What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

:15:
 

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Florida senior citizen

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.


Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."


The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.


"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
 

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Charlie sheen joke

Maybe old but here goes.
How much cocaine can charlie sheen snort in one night?

Enough to kill two and a half men. Yuck yuck
 

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Yard Sign In Florida:

My neighbor is a "lefty" of sorts (Obama bumper stickers, gung-ho socialized medicine, "guns should be banned", etc.). So this past spring I put this sign up in my yard (see below) after one of his anti-gun rants at a neighborhood cocktail party.

The sign wasn't up more than an hour before he called the police, and wanted them to make me take down the sign.

Fortunately, the officer politely informed him that it was not their job to take such action without a court order, and that he had to file a complaint "downtown" first, which would be reviewed by the city attorney to see if it violated any city, county, or state ordinances; after which – if there was a violation – a court order would be sent to the offending party (me) to "remove the sign in seven days."

After several weeks he was informed that the sign was legal (by a quarter of an inch), and there was nothing the city could do – which obviously made him madder.

I tried to smooth things over by inviting him to go shooting with me and my friends at the hunt club, but that seemed to make him even more angry.

I am at a loss how to reconcile our long relationship (notice I did not say friendship).

Any suggestions would be welcome.

:8:
 

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