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Discussion Starter #1
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,"Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied ," I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars". One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I might not ever get another chance". Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dolllars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot over- heard the couple and said," Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars". Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his dare devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said," By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, " Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out." "But 50 dollars is 50 dollars".




:D
 

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One day three guys are walking through a forest when these nights come and capture them. It turns out they were in a Cannibal's Kingdom. The cannibal king asked them what there names were and they said "Jeremy" "I'm Jesse" and the last one said "I'm Daniel," "Well" the cannibal king said " I'm in a really good mood today so I'll give you a choice you can die now or do something else for me." All three guys said the rather live so the took there chances and said they would do whatever he wanted. He told the to go back into the forest and "find ten of the same
friut and bring it back." Well they went on and did as they were told. Well jeremy comes back with ten apples. The king tells him to shove all ten apples in his but without making a facial expression. Jeremy gets two and starts crying so the king eats him. Soon after Jesse shows up with ten cherries. The king says the same thing and Jesse gets nine and starts to laugh so he got eaten. The Jesse and Jeremy meet in heaven and jeremy asks " you almost got to live why did you laugh?" Jesse says " I couldn't help it I saw Daniel coming back with PINEAPPLES."
 

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Three hunters on safari were captured by cannibals and for trespassing on their land the chief gave them their choice of punishment, booga booga or death. The first one said well booga booga sounds pretty sinister but at least it's better than death, so he chooses booga booga. "Booga booga", cried the chief. All the men then proceed to pork him up the arse. The second man was horrified but he thought that being bung holed by the entire tribe was better than death, so he also choose booga booga."Booga booga" cried the chief,and the men then proceeded to cornhole him as well. The third man decided that death was preferable to a good bungholing so when asked he chose death. "Death " the chief cried," by booga booga!"
 

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*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

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Man who run in front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind car get exhausted.

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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

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Man with one chopstick go hungry.

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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

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Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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"Finally, there's a single bumper sticker for both political parties.

This hot-selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper."

:roadtrip:
 

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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it.

You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."



But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality,

Whispering...............




Dave, you're a veterinarian.
 

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" He said, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
 

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Discussion Starter #16
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands,
he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man ? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on
its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....."Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."



:D
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Little Johnny went to sit on Santa's lap, and Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas. Little Johnny answered, "A damn swingset in the backyard." "Excuse me?" said Santa.
"I want a damn swingset in my backyard," repeated Little Johnny.
Santa said, "You'll have to ask nicer if you want Santa to bring you something. Let's try again. What else do you want?" Little Johnny answered, "A damn sandbox for the side yard."
"You have to ask politely! One more time. What else do you want for Christmas?"Little Johnny thought for a minute, then said, "I want a damn trampoline in the front yard."
Santa sighed and set Little Johnny off his lap. "I'm sorry son, I can't give
anything to someone who talks like you do. I'm not bringing you anything for
Christmas."
Santa then called Johnny's parents over and told them what had happened. Theyapologized profusely, saying they didn't understand why he talked like that,and they had been trying to break him of the habit with no luck. "I know how to stop it," Santa said. "Don't get him anything for Christmas. Just get some dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That will break him of it."
The parents agreed.
Christmas morning the kid heads downstairs to open their presents. Johnny runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, looking upset. "What's wrong, son?" asked his father. "What did Santa bring you?"Little Johnny answered, "He brought me a damn dog, but I can't find him!"


:2:
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Santa's Little Pills (could offend some)


A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.

So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.

Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "






:14:
 

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DEFINITION OF POLITICS

SON: “Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I
ask you a questions?”
DAD: “Sure Son, what’s the question?”
SON: “ What is politics?”
DAD: “Well, let’s take our home for example. I am the wage
earner, so let’s call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her GOVERNMENT. We take care of your needs, so let’s call you the PEOPLE. We’ll call the maid the WORKING CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand?”
SON: “I’m not really sure Dad, I’ll have to think about it.”


That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother’s crying; so the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent’s room and found the Mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his Father in bed screwing the Maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheard by his Father and the maid, so the boy went back to bed and fell back to sleep.

- THE NEXT MORNING -

SON: “Dad, now I think I understand politics.”
DAD: “That’s great son, explain it to me in your own words.”
SON: “Well Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the
WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. The PEOPLE are completely ignored, and the FUTURE is full of ****!”
 
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