Dear Diary

[colorider]

Dear Diary,

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it.......I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."

I am thinking "what was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store..I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to take all three. She wanted matching shoes, I said "lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this.

You should have seen her face when she said "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like buying all of this stuff now."

You should have seen her face... it went completely blank. I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the
spring of 2008. But I wasn't getting much anyway, so what the hell.

[RipRocK]

That man's my hero now

[Ziploc]

Somehow this thread brings to mind that other one entitled "If Men Wrote Advice Columns".......

[florida_guy]

Originally posted by colorider

I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the
spring of 2008. But I wasn't getting much anyway, so what the hell.

You also won't be buying any more motorcyles or new versions of StreetPilots.

[mooz]

Found in the same diary

So he walked into the local pub with a big grin on his
face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you, You know I live
by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a
young woman tied to the tracks, like in the old films. I, of
course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made
love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on
top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sonofa*****.
Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the head!"

[ramirami]

[RipRocK]

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had these feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make wild, hot love to me just once to be remembered for the rest of our lives

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very so happy and relieved, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[ramirami]

you sure they did not want a three some with their son-in law