Man Rules

[03pilot]

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your Date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.

5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move:
a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move:
a. You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy re-runs.

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you
have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the
classic 1-10 scale.

9. *****ing about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. Although gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man (in fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is
strictly optional).

11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

12. While your girlfriend must bond with your mates' girlfriends
within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make
nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads - low level sports
bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a
double standard).

13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not
appear in public wearing more than one swoosh.

14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never
ask who's playing.

15. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the
purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your
girlfriend.

16. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

17. Only in situations of moral and/or ass peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

19. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

20. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see
nothin'.

21. Women who claim "i love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of
a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire
and threw it into a ceiling fan.

23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a mate of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

28. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation
you need.

29. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you
are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang
up if necessary.

30. When a mate is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in
a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either.

31. You cannot rat out a co-worker who shows up at work with a massive
hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with
limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he
thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the
loudspeaker every seven minutes.

32. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was.

33. Always split aces and eights. No arguments!