Airline flight attendant gets passengers' attention

[havasu]

OK, I'll liven this category up again...
got this recently via email and hadn't seen it elsewhere:

I was flying to San Francisco this weekend, and the flight
attendant was reading the flight safety information and had the
whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?!" So
once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she
said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure,
but this is most of it.

(Before Takeoff)..... Hello and welcome to Alaska flight 438 to
San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the
right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about
to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features
of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have
aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at
one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the
wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one
of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet.
That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look
around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats
between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to
find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty
blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of
the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red
ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will
drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth
like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate,
but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to
a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child,
please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are
traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to
decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then
work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the
safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when
I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It
also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it
now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are
fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pully
thing - not a pushy thing like in your car cuz you're in an
airplane now, hello!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also
no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the
lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This
is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on
this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in
the smoking sections tonight, hold on, let me check what it
is......... Oh here it is, the movie tonight is 'Gone with the
Wind'.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's
going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the
dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow
button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please
don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The
orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you
for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your
money.

If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable,
please don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down
you would have given me a standing ovation wouldn't you?

(After landing).....Welcome to the San Francisco International
Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's
fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At
no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate,
so please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because shift happens.

[kemosabe]

That was hilarious!!!! Made my evening!!!!


Thanks for the laughs, havasu...

[shepilot]

Funny stuff. Thanks for sharing Havasu! I needed that.

[Ferdball]

Good stuff. Southwest does a funny bit too, but I don't remember it.

[03pilot]

That was hilarious. Thanks.

[kemosabe]

Originally posted by Ferdball
Good stuff. Southwest does a funny bit too, but I don't remember it.

Southwest flight attendants say stuff like this:

"In case of a sudden cabin decompression, 'complimentary oxygen' would be provided,"

At the conclusion of an extremely turbulent Southwest Airlines flight, a cabin attendant finished her "stowed-tray-table-and-upright-seat" speech with a cheerful, "We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines. But if you were displeased with the flight, thank you for flying United..."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump and I know what yawl are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, and it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt!"

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

"Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

Pilot - Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

[Scoobs]

2 killed after fall from airliner on landing approach
Chinese officials say 'foreigners' crawled out from luggage hold



SHANGHAI (AP) — Two people described as foreigners were killed today when they fell out of a flying airplane as it prepared to land in Shanghai, the government said.

The two crawled out of the plane's luggage hold and fell from the undercarriage of Flight AF112 from Paris to Shanghai, the official Xinhua News Agency said, citing an initial investigation by police officials.

The initials of the flight suggest it is an Air France airplane.

The unidentified people fell onto a house in the Laoxiang neighbourhood of Shanghai's Nanhui District, Xinhua said. It was unclear if anyone on the ground was injured.

Shanghai police started an investigation immediately after the plane landed at Pudong International Airport at 11:05 a.m., an hour later than its scheduled arrival.

Officials did not immediately identify the two foreigners or release their nationalities.

Passengers from the plane's main cabin left the plane safely, Xinhua said. It said the aircraft was held at the airport while the investigation continued

[rwrooks]

A few weeks ago, Southwest had us rolling on the floor.

A male flight attendant told us just before take off:

Please take a moment to take a look around you and make sure that your carry on items are securely stowed, that your seatbacks and tray tables are in their full upright and locked position, and that your belt matches your shoes.

[desipilot]

I read this myself about 4/5 years back. So, the details I remember are sketchy.

This was a flight from Bombay, India to London, a non-stop that takes about 9 hours. Two sikhs (Sikhs are those people from India with big turban on their head and whom everyone mistakes for Taliban !) were arrested as they were climbing the airport fence in London and investigators found out that they travelled the entire Bombay-London flight of 9 hours in -30 to -50 temps in the area where the undercarriage folds and survived the flight with some frost bite !

[kemosabe]

Southwest Airlines Flight #327

[kemosabe]

Virgin Airlines has a new competitor: