Words of Wisdom

[Older than dirt]

1) "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." * Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" * Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." * Drew Carey

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," * Rod Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." * Robin Williams

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." * Dave Barry

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" * Marilyn Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." * Bob Ettinger

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." * Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." * Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." * Lynda Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" * Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators could be dead." * Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." * Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." * Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" * Warren Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." * Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . . But I repeat myself." * Mark Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." * A. Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." * Robin Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." * Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." * Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" * Dave Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken. * Unknown, presumed deceased

[KEPILOT]

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There’s no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined him. "It’s been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer returning his license.


KE

[Sage]

LOL - Good one KEPILOT!

[KEPILOT]

EVER WONDER...

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?



In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for
this one:

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


KE