Today's lesson in world history and anthropology

[Tim]

For centuries, humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of the wheel, and the invention of beer.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization, and together formed the catalyst splitting humanity into two distinct subgroups:

Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, grain was required, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were yet invented, so while our early human ancestors sat around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men – weaker and less skilled at hunting – learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques, and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "girliemen."

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.

Liberals invented the "Designated Hitter Rule" because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide how to redistribute the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That's why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in later, after the Wild West was tamed, and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history and anthropology:
• A Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond before simply laughing and forwarding it.
• A Conservative will be so convinced of its absolute truth that it will be forwarded immediately.

[jdeanski]

Well, I think that just about wraps it up!

[ramirami]

Originally posted by Tim

Liberals invented the "Designated Hitter Rule" because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

your theory breaks when you look at the C UBS. girlie men without the designated hitter

[Tim]

Originally posted by ramirami



your theory breaks when you look at the C UBS. girlie men without the designated hitter

I don't know anyone who looks at the Cubs.............