Funny News Stories

[Mainer]

Man’s testicles snared in a padlock for two weeks

The "family jewels" of one man recently were locked up for two weeks - literally.

On Saturday, July 30, at about 3:40 a.m., police assisted ambulance and rescue personnel with a 39-year-old man with a padlock on his testicles.

According to police, the man, who police are not identifying, was intoxicated when they arrived on scene.

The man reported that the padlock had been on his testicles for two weeks. police said the man reported that a friend put the lock on his testicles. He was allegedly severely intoxicated and passed out. He told police that when he woke up the padlock was placed around top his scrotum and his friend was gone.

"Never in my 13 years have I seen anything like this," the police chief said.

The man reported to police that he allegedly attempted to remove the padlock with a hacksaw after the key broke off inside the lock.

He was taken to the local Hospital, where a locksmith was called to remove the lock.

The hospital reported that the man was treated and released without sustaining lasting injury.

The motive for the incident is still undetermined, police said.

"At this point we are not sure if it was a prank, or if it was an intentional act, or something done during a sexual act."

The incident is under investigation

[ramirami]

Wellington - Three men trying to steal fuel from a New Zealand farm on Monday ended up setting fire to their own car.

Police said the trio had siphoned diesel into a petrol-driven vehicle.

When their car would not start, they examined the fuel pipe using a cigarette lighter.

One click, a boom and the car burst into flames.

"It wasn't a major whodunnit," senior sergeant Ross Gilbert told reporters from the small North Island town of Waipukurau, about 230km north-east of Wellington.

"Fortunately for them, there is no criminal charge for stupidity."

The men, aged 18 to 19, escaped injury but were charged with theft.


http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_i...5286742782B265

[Tim]

TOKYO (Reuters) - "Trust me, I'm a doctor" wouldn't describe one Japanese medic who has landed in hot water after hitting and abusing a patient during surgery.

The elderly female patient at a hospital in Shiga, central Japan, was given a local anaesthetic for an unspecified operation early last month, but began thrashing around on the operating table and yelling at the doctor to stop.

After trying to persuade her to calm down, the doctor hit the patient on the forehead and yelled at her to shut up, a hospital spokesman said. The patient needed five days to recover from the injury to her forehead.

The operation was re-conducted last week by another doctor.

[Tim]

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German woman laid waste to her family home by setting fire to it as she tried to kill spiders in a garage with a can of hairspray and a cigarette lighter.

Police in the western town of Zuelpich said that when the aerosol failed to finish them off, the 34-year-old woman tried to burn them with the lighter. However, this set the area she had just sprayed on fire and the blaze spread to a hedge.

"It was a series of unfortunate events which led to the damage," a police spokesman said on Thursday.

"She tried to put the fire out with a garden hose, but couldn't. Instead her semi-detached house next to the hedge caught fire. It's now uninhabitable."

Fire-fighters managed to extinguish the blaze and save the neighbouring house, which sustained broken windows and some charring. The spokesman estimated the total cost of the damage at well over 100,000 euros (68,000 pounds). No one was hurt.

"The family have had to look for somewhere else to stay," he said. "The spiders are gone though -- that problem was solved."

[Tim]

KLEINMOND, South Africa (Reuters) - A South African inventor unveiled a new anti-rape female condom on Wednesday that hooks onto an attacker's penis and aims to cut one of the highest rates of sexual assault in the world.

"Nothing has ever been done to help a woman so that she does not get raped and I thought it was high time," Sonette Ehlers, 57, said of the "rapex", a device worn like a tampon that has sparked controversy in a country used to daily reports of violent crime.

Police statistics show more than 50,000 rapes are reported every year, while experts say the real figure could be four times that as they say most rapes of acquaintances or children are never reported.

Ehlers said the "rapex" hooks onto the rapist's skin, allowing the victim time to escape and helping to identify perpetrators.

"He will obviously be too pre-occupied at this stage," she told reporters in Kleinmond, a small holiday village about 100km (60 miles) east of Cape Town. "I promise you he is going to be too sore. He will go straight to hospital."

The device, made of latex and held firm by shafts of sharp barbs, can only be removed from the man through surgery which will alert hospital staff, and ultimately, the police, she said.

It also reduces the chances of a woman falling pregnant or contracting AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases from the attacker by acting in the same way as a female condom.

South Africa has more people with HIV/AIDS than any other country, with one in nine of its 45 million population infected.

Ehlers, who showed off a prototype on Wednesday, said women had tried it for comfort and it had been tested on a plastic male model but not yet on a live man. Production was planned to start next year.

But the "rapex" has raised fears amongst anti-rape activists that it could escalate violence against women.

"If a victim is wearing such a device it may enrage the attacker further and possibly result in more harm being caused," said Sam Waterhouse, advocacy co-ordinator for Rape Crisis.

Other critics say the condom is mediaeval and barbaric -- an accusation Ehlers says should be directed rather at the act of rape.

"This is not about vengeance ... but the deed, that is what I hate," she said.

[Tim]

A man is selling Welsh air to expatriates who miss the valleys.

John Gronow from Lakeside, Cardiff, has collected air from Snowdonia and the Brecon Beacons and will sell it on his website walesinabottle.com

Each bottle comes with a certificate guaranteeing the air has been gathered in the Welsh mountains.

He said: "I am offering a genuine service for people who want something of Wales that reminds them of their childhood or their homeland. It is the genuine article from the green, green grass of home.

"There are more Welsh exiles out there around the world than there are in Wales who long for something from the land of their fathers."

The bottles of air will sell for £24 reports BBC online.

[Tim]

A male goat that reportedly gives milk has become a popular attraction in Brazil.

The goat's owner Luciano Gomes, from Melancias, is touring the country to show it off.

He told Terra Noticias Populares: "When I bought it, it already had two small teats and when I fondled them lots of milk came out.

"It is the only billy goat in the world capable of giving milk, I wouldn't sell it for all the money in the world."

Vet Flaviano Moreira commented: "It is totally abnormal for a goat to give milk, I wouldn't go near it!"

[Tim]

Inventor turns dead cats into diesel

A German inventor says he's found a way to make cheap diesel fuel out of dead cats.

Dr Christian Koch, 55, from Kleinhartmannsdorf, said his method uses old tyres, weeds and animal cadavers.

They are heated up to 300 Celsius to filter out hydrocarbon which is then turned into diesel by a catalytic converter.

He said the resulting "high quality bio-diesel" costs just 15 pence per litre.

Koch said the cadaver of a fully grown cat can produce 2.5 litres of fuel - meaning around 20 cats are needed for a full tank.

He said: "I tank my car with my own diesel mixture and have driven it for 105,000 miles without any problems."

Annelise Krauss of the Dresden Animal Protection Association blasted Koch's new diesel though, saying: "This is as bad as experimenting on animals."


(How many kittens will fill my Pilot??).....

[Tim]

Thief hid phone up her bum

Romanian police caught a female mobile phone thief by dialling the stolen phone - and hearing it ringing from her bum.

Police in Iasi stopped Petronela Brandus, 24, as she tried to get off a bus after other passengers said they saw her steal a mobile phone.

But after a search failed to find the phone, police decided to call the number to see where it was and heard a muffled ringing coming from under the woman's dress.

She was taken to a local police station where a strip search by female police officers revealed she had hidden it up her bottom, local daily 7 Plus reported.

Officer Madalin Taranu said: "We've had people hiding things in their bras and knickers before, but this was a new one.

"The station doctor extracted the phone and we sprayed it with disinfectant before handing it back to its owner."......

[jl_ss]

Originally posted by Tim
Inventor turns dead cats into diesel



(How many kittens will fill my Pilot??).....

Depends, are they top-tier kittens?

[ramirami]

Originally posted by Tim
Thief hid phone up her bum

now if only it was on vibrate ...aahh...

[jay]

Originally posted by jl_ss


Depends, are they top-tier kittens?

[jl_ss]

Originally posted by Tim
Thief hid phone up her bum

Romanian police caught a female mobile phone thief by dialling the stolen phone - and hearing it ringing from her bum.

Police in Iasi stopped Petronela Brandus, 24, as she tried to get off a bus after other passengers said they saw her steal a mobile phone.

But after a search failed to find the phone, police decided to call the number to see where it was and heard a muffled ringing coming from under the woman's dress.

She was taken to a local police station where a strip search by female police officers revealed she had hidden it up her bottom, local daily 7 Plus reported.

Officer Madalin Taranu said: "We've had people hiding things in their bras and knickers before, but this was a new one.

"The station doctor extracted the phone and we sprayed it with disinfectant before handing it back to its owner."......

I'd let her keep it........... .

[Tim]

German designers are promoting a skirt for male drinkers to wear at the Munich Beer Festival.

They say their Oktoberfest Frock is a lot more comfortable than traditional lederhosen.

Doreen Anders and Andreas Landinger, from Munich, say they were influenced by the Scottish kilt in creating the drinking-dress which comes in 'short' or 'calf' length.

There are no tartan designs but the kilt comes in colours in-keeping with the blue-and-white Bavarian flag and other symbols of the Oktoberfest beer festival.

A spokesman for the designers say the skirt "combines softness with comfort" and does not inhibit the wearer like lederhosen, which can "be a bit tight around the calves and stomach".

Landinger, who started designing skirts for men a year ago, said: "I think they're going to go down well.

"We've already had a few dozen orders and once one everyone realises how comfortable they are, I think they'll really catch on.

"With all that beer flowing at the fest you need to make sure your belly is free to take it in."


(edit) I think I'll stick with my dungarees......

[Tim]

The Munich Beer Festival has banned alcopops and pop music to stop the event turning into a 'drunken orgy'.

Scenes of drunken girls dancing semi naked on the backs of male party goers or on tables were flashed around the world last year.

Oktoberfest organisers now want to return to the festival's roots by concentrating on beer steins and traditional brass bands.

Head of the festival Gabriele Weishaeupl said: "It has begun to turn into an orgy for party animals. The tents are not supposed to be discos, but should remain traditional Bavarian beer tents.

"Last year was one of the bawdiest years ever, with many an exposed nipple as well as the huge quantities of alcohol consumed."

Alcopops have been banned and beer tent owners have agreed to refrain from playing popular hits such as DJ Otzi's Hey Baby and Lou Bega's Mambo No 5.

An estimated six million visitors are expected to descend on Munich when the 172nd Oktoberfest takes place between September 17 and October 3.

(Guess I'll stay home this year....... )