Funny News Stories

[Tim]

The Simpsons has been re-branded in the MIddle East as The Shamsoons.

TV bosses have made several changes so that characters are more acceptable to Muslims.

Homer has been renamed Omar and scenes of him drinking Duff beer and eating pork have been cut.

Bart has been renamed Badr reports The Sun.

The show's catchphrases including "Doh!", and "Aye carumba!" will stay.

Dubai-based satellite network MBC is screening episodes twice a day.

[Tim]

The Russian town where the radiator was invented is to unveil a 30 stone monument dedicated to the heating device.

The radiator was invented 150 years ago by a German living in Samara, western Russia.

The town has commisioned local artist Nikolai Kuklev to sculpt a suitable monument to honour the anniversary.

The finished statue, of a giant old-fashioned radiator with a cat lying on top, is made of bronze and weighs over 31 stone.


(sorry, no pic available).........

[Tim]

OKLAHOMA CITY - A man got a prison term longer than prosecutors and defense attorneys had agreed to — all because of Celtics great Larry Bird.

The lawyers reached a plea agreement Tuesday for a 30-year term for a man accused of shooting with an intent to kill and robbery. But Eric James Torpy wanted his prison term to match Bird's jersey number 33.

"He said if he was going to go down, he was going to go down in Larry Bird's jersey," Oklahoma County District Judge Ray Elliott said Wednesday. "We accommodated his request and he was just as happy as he could be.

"I've never seen anything like this in 26 years in the courthouse. But, I know the DA is happy about it."

[Tim]

CHINO, Calif. - An Orange County sheriff's reserve deputy was ordered to trial for allegedly pulling a gun on two slow-playing golfers and threatening them at Los Serranos Golf & Country Club.

Witnesses said Raymond Yi, 44, pointed a gun at the golfers and flashed his sheriff's badge during the July incident.

"When I saw him cock his gun, something fell out and my mouth dropped. I couldn't believe this was happening on a golf course," said golfer Marcelo Bautista, 35, a Los Angeles teacher who was playing on the course with his uncle Gustavo Resendiz.

Bautista said Yi had hit two balls toward the men and at the 14th hole Bautista hit Yi's ball back toward him. According to Bautista, Yi confronted him, left the fairway and returned with a badge and pointed a gun to his head.

Bautista and Resendez continued playing but Yi followed them, pushed Resendiz and then cocked his gun.

"I really thought I was gonna be killed right then and there," said Resendiz, 61.

At the end of Monday's preliminary hearing, Superior Court Judge Raymond Youngquist said there was enough evidence to order trial. Yi is charged with two counts of assault with a firearm and two counts of making criminal threats. He will be arraigned Nov. 1.

[Tim]

(From the annals of The Weekly World News).....

By MARK MILLER

INNSBRUCK, Austria -- It's been suspected for centuries, but a team of world-renowned scientists has finally confirmed it: Lawyers and leeches have identical genetic makeup.

Dr. Andreas Volkenweiler of Austria's famed Innsbruck Institute of Genetic Research confirms that, "While studying the DNA sequences of many genes that control body patterns in various occupations, our research team observed that each lawyer gene contains a stretch of 180 nucleotides -- or structural components of DNA -- which exactly match the structure of those found in leeches.

"Once we made that basic match, other similarities between the two species were fairly easy to observe." Those similarities include the facts that both lawyers and leeches are:
Famed for their blood-sucking abilities.
Have large round mouths functioning as suckers to hold on to their hosts.
Have fine, conical teeth.
Are recognized for being the lowest, sleaziest and slimiest of their species.
Thrive in the bottom-mud and ooze of existence.
Partial to consuming the blood of fish, frogs and turtles.
Equally popular in social situations.
The American Bar Association is proceeding with a defamation of character lawsuit, but Dr. Volkenweiler is not worried. "We haven't stated anything that's not a documented fact," he says.

[ramirami]

more gross than funny actually

A man was arrested after neighbors reported seeing him sexually assaulting his family's 10-year-old female Rottweiler, police said.

Ubaldo Vasquez Huizar, 39, was arrested for investigation of two counts of sexual assault on an animal, according to a statement from Ontario police Detective David McBride.

Detectives learned of the alleged crimes after going to Huizar's home to notify him that he was required to register as a sex offender, the statement said. Huizar had been convicted last December of exposing himself to an 11-year-old girl, police said.

He also was wanted on an outstanding $10,000 drug warrant.

While at the home, police learned that Huizar was living in a large doghouse in the backyard, McBride's statement said.

Neighbors reported that he often slept naked in the doghouse with the family dog, Mayra, the statement said. They said they saw Huizar sexually assault the animal with a broom handle and his hand and heard the dog cry in pain when he was in the doghouse, the statement said.

Neighbors also reported seeing Huizar in his back yard dressed in a woman's bra and panties, dancing with a broom handle, police said.

Huizar was booked at the West Valley Detention Center, according to the San Bernardino County Sheriff's Web site.

The Inland Valley Humane Society took Mayra into protective custody, police said. The family might not get the dog back if Huizar is convicted of sexually assaulting it.

Studies have shown a link between abuse of animals and abuse of humans, said Martin Mersereau, manager of the domestic animal abuse division of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

"A large percentage of sexual abusers start out abusing animals," he said.

[Tim]

Originally posted by ramirami
more gross than funny actually While at the home, police learned that Huizar was living in a large doghouse in the backyard, McBride's statement said.

This brings a whole new meaning to the term "Animal Lover"..........

[Tim]

Germany is stepping up its battle against 'Nazi' racoons after they ruined much of this year's wine harvest.

The racoons were released into the German countryside in 1934 under the orders of Hermann Goering.

Goering thought they would "enrich" the local wildlife - but they have spread throughout Central Europe, from the Low Countries to the Urals, according to conservationists.

The nocturnal mammals have become a health hazard in many cities, where they rummage through garbage bins and invade homeowners' attics and cellars.

Now, they are becoming a threat to agriculture as well, according to farmers.

"Racoons wiped out almost the entire harvest in a matter of days," said Werner Kothe who operates a vineyard in the Brandenburg region.

The situation has become so serious in Brandenburg that officials there have hired bounty hunters to cull racoons.

Last year, hunters in the state killed 3,471 of the pests. However scientists estimate there may be upwards of a million in Germany - and they are spreading to neighbouring countries at an alarming rate.

Experts say there are 100 racoons per square kilometre in the Kassel area north of Frankfurt - the same density reported in the racoon's natural habitat in North America.

[Tim]

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. - A rare floating island in a pond here broke free during last weekend's storm and was beached in nearby backyard.

The 10,000 square-foot land mass had been floating in Island Pond, but last week's heavy rains shifted the island "over my fence, crushing it, and onto my property," said Andrew Renna.

"It remains impaled on the fence, roots out of the water," he said.

The island last tore free in 2001. It became lodged in a narrow cove and remained there for almost two years before it was towed back to its normal position.

The pond and the island are owned by the Roman Catholic Diocese of Springfield, which operates a neighboring high school. Diocese spokesman Mark Dupont said church officials are exploring their options, which include towing the island again.

"It worked the first time," he said.

Experts say there are only a few floating islands in North America.

[Tim]

SYDNEY, Australia - A traffic warden slapped a parking ticket on a car which had its dead driver slumped at the wheel outside an Australian shopping mall, an official said Friday.

The body of the 71-year-old man, whose identity was not immediately released, was discovered Thursday in a parking lot in the southern city of Melbourne, The Age newspaper reported Friday.

The man had been reported missing nine days earlier and was known to be seriously ill, the newspaper said.

Nevertheless, a parking officer who inspected the vehicle failed to notice the man inside and issued the parking fine two days before his body was discovered.

Paul Denham, the mayor of Maroondah council, where the man was found, said the parking officer was "distressed" to learn that the dead man had been inside the car.

"Our local laws officer checked and wrote out the ticket at the rear of the vehicle and placed the ticket from the passenger side on the windscreen," Denham said in a statement. "The local laws officer did not notice anything unusual regarding the vehicle, and is extremely distressed to have learned of the situation."

[Tim]

ORMOND BEACH, Fla. - Was the pig a victim of a drive-by shooting? That's one theory to explain how a bullet wound up in Diane Johnson's pork loin casserole.

She said there was no mistaking the projectile's distinct shape in the pork loin she bought at a Publix grocery store.

All meat is scanned with a metal detector before reaching Publix shelves, said Dwaine Stevens, spokesman for the company in Florida.

It's not clear how the scanners missed the bullet — or how the bullet got in the pork loin in the first place.

Stevens said someone may have fired into a herd of grazing livestock.

According to the Wisconsin Pork Association, professional slaughterhouses don't shoot animals, for employee safety and meat quality concerns.

Johnson, 74, said she was satisfied with a $10 dollar refund and another fresh pork loin from Publix.

She said she didn't plan to sue because no one got hurt.

[Tim]

(From the annals of The Weekly World News)
Never fear stormy weather again!

DENVER -- A maverick inventor has come up with an elaborate device designed to protect you from deadly lightning strikes, and he swears that it's safe because he's tested it repeatedly -- on himself!

"I am pleased to announce the unveiling of the greatest invention since the umbrella," says 37-year-old Ward Kelpernik.

"The L-3 Kelpershield works along the same principal as a lightning rod, but this is the first time that the technology has been applied to people instead of buildings."

Kelpernik says his goal is to provide maximum protection from lightning strikes which kill 500 people and injure 1,500 more in the U.S. each year.

The Kelpershield allows the wearer to absorb lightning as it strikes. When lightning hits the rods attached to the glasses, it travels along a copper wire to an energy pack the user wears on his back. That energy is stored for later use.

Kelpernik says he's been hit by lightning several times while testing the device, but each time, his invention has kept him safe.

"In 15 tests performed over the past year, the L-3 Kelpershield has performed flawlessly. I am very fortunate to be able to stand here and tell you this because there were a couple times when I really thought I was a goner."

Asked what it feels like to be struck by lightning, Kelpernik responds, "It tickles! It's really a tingly sensation from head to toe."

Kelpernik says that his invention will be moderately priced and available to the public in time for Christmas.

"Anyone who wants a Kelpershield will be able to afford one."

But experts from the Nation-al Bureau of Weather Studies warn that people should stay far away from this invention.

"It's an accident waiting to happen," one expert says. "One of these days, someone is going be hurt."

Kelpernik says that will never happen. "My device is 100 percent guaranteed. With this remarkable contraption, people will be dancing in lightning storms, mark my words."

[Titans Fan]

Originally posted by Tim
... "My device is 100 percent guaranteed. With this remarkable contraption, people will be dancing in lightning storms, mark my words."

100% guaranteed? So if you're killed by lightning, you get your money back? Sign me up!

[ramirami]

American Express is suing the CEO of a communications company for payment of $241,000 worth of disputed credit card charges at a Manhattan topless club.

American Express says in papers filed in state court that Savvis Inc. chief executive officer Robert A. McCormick was in the club Scores in October 2003 with at least three other men.

After McCormick got the $241,000 corporate credit card bill, Savvis called American Express and complained that some of the charges were fraudulent, the lawsuit says. The communications company said its chief disputed all but about $20,000, according to the lawsuit.

"We firmly believe that Mr. McCormick was the victim of fraud," said Deena Williamson, Savvis's deputy general counsel. She declined to comment further.

Lonnie Hanover, a Scores spokesman, said he had not talked to all of the employees involved with McCormick and could not say what the CEO purchased.

The lawsuit filed Wednesday against McCormick and Savvis is at least the third in the past two years involving contested credit card charges at Scores. One patron sued the club after he got a $28,000 bill and another disputed $129,000 in charges.

After a lawsuit last year, Hanover said that "high rollers" visiting Scores' "super elite Presidents' Club" spend thousands of dollars on single bottles of champagne and tip strippers as much as $10,000 for lap dances and for spending time with them.

The district attorney's office has said it is investigating alleged overcharging at Scores.

Hanover said that each time a patron spends $10,000, Scores calls the customer's credit card company to get the charges approved. Scores even fingerprints the customer and requires him to get on the telephone with a credit card representative, he said.

"We got authorization for all of the charges," Hanover said of McCormick's visit. "We followed proper procedures and documentation, and we were paid."

Court papers say American Express asked McCormick several times to provide in writing his basis for calling the charges fraudulent. McCormick failed to respond, and when he was billed again he once again objected to the charges, the lawsuit says.

American Express says McCormick finally responded in writing in September 2004, reiterating that some charges on the Scores bill were bogus, the lawsuit says.

Scores has been paid in full, American Express's court papers say, while neither Savvis nor McCormick has paid any of the charges. Failure to pay is a violation of the American Express corporate credit card agreement, court papers say.

[Tim]

Originally posted by ramirami
Scores has been paid in full

(I'm in the wrong business)..........