Jokes

[Art]

Originally posted by ramirami


which one...the one he killed or the one he married

[colorider]

A guy walks into a bar. Sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up
behind her he said, "Hi, there, good looking! How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I'll screw anybody,
anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't
matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just
love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too!
What firm are you with?"

[Tim]

Originally posted by colorider

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too!
What firm are you with?"

[Tim]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[Tim]

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

[BigDogDad]

A preacher went to his congregation to ask for a raise because his wife
was expecting a baby. After much consideration and discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
paycheck. These raises began to get expensive after six children, and
the congregation held another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Children are a
gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. From the back
pew, a little old lady stood up and said, in a frail voice, "Rain is
also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers.

And the congregation said, "AMEN."

[BigDogDad]

Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two
terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere
but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back.
The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and comes back.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world."

[BigDogDad]

ARE YOU A LEXOPHILE? FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)


1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
3. Time flies like an arrow -- Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
12. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
15. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. Every calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
25. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

[BigDogDad]

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy
some fancy new panties to get Grandpa in the mood.

The sales lady talked her into buying a real nice,
bright red crotchless pair. Grandma put them on and
waited for Grandpa to come home.

When Grandpa came home, Grandma was all laid out on
the bed spread-eagle, pointing down to the new
crotchless panties she had on.

She said, "Come on Grandpa, you want some of this?"

Grandpa said, "Lord no, it done ate a hole in your
panties."

[BigDogDad]

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out
the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a
body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he
started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima!
Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he
kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new
knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised
his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are
you shouting 'wrong hole'?

[BigDogDad]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the
pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice, however, but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted
perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. size 36."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I've got you there! I've worn size 34 since I was
18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine
and give you one heck of a headache."

ALWAYS get a second opinion . . . .

[ramirami]

Originally posted by BigDogDad


ALWAYS get a second opinion . . . .

[wmasd]

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.


You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.


You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25minutes.


No wonder men are happier!

[BigDogDad]

Originally posted by wmasd
Men Are Just Happier People--

[Mainer]

There is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract, and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds. Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause. Ellie May, an attractive young Sunday School teacher stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!"

There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ellie May, whatever possessed you to say that?" Ellie May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw him'!"