Jokes

[evarsallona]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!

[evarsallona]

A blonde goes into work
one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies,
'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it and
I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'

[evarsallona]

Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn.

“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”

“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

[evarsallona]

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..


After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,



'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[mapzoid]

A man was walking back home when he noticed a most unusual funeral
procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking with a dog.
Behind that were 200 men walking in a single file.

He respectfully approached the man walking with the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife. My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

After a moment of silence he asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man with the dog replied,
"Get in line."

[evarsallona]

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the Trainer in the gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"

The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"

[evarsallona]

Little Old Lady Prays..

In church Sunday, I over heard the lady in the pew next to me saying a short private prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you.
Dear Lord, This has been a tough 12 months .... You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress Farrah Fawcett, my favorite musician Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays and my favorite athlete Steve McNair.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is Barack Obama.
Amen!

[evarsallona]

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enablehim to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible..

No wait, Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.

[evarsallona]

JEFF GORDON FIRES PIT CREW Raleigh , NC

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Kyle Busch for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

[jimfaster]

All are funny. makes me

[Michal]

A young man, who wanted to become a great writer said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft,
...
writing error messages.