Jokes

[ramirami]

Originally posted by Mainer
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

Mommy," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

His mother answered, "Not yet."

[john802]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, lay down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[ramirami]

The Top 5 Pick-Up Lines Used by News Anchors

"How about giving me a little headline?"

"I'm horny as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

"I put the 'bed' in embed!"

"Tension has been building for days. For an on-the-scene report, I take you now live, down to my pants."

"Coming up in our next segment: my manly part!"

[Mainer]

To help us northerners understand our southerner piloteer friends:

Southern speak:

Bard - verb. Past tense of the infinitive ``to borrow.'' Usage: ``My brother bard my pickup truck.''

Jawjuh - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: ``My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.''

Munts - noun. A calendar division. Usage: ``My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't heard from him in munts.''

Heavy Dew - phrase. A request for action. Usage: ``Kin I heavy dew me a favor?''

Haze - a contraction. Usage: ``Is Bubba smart?'' ``Nah, haze ignert.''

Rats - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: ``We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats.''

Gummit - noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: ``Great . . . another gummit shutdown!''

Farn - adjective. Not local. Usage: ``I couldn't unnerstand a wurd he sed . I think ease farn.

[jay]

Originally posted by Mainer
To help us northerners understand our southerner piloteer friends:

Southern speak:

Bard - verb. Past tense of the infinitive ``to borrow.'' Usage: ``My brother bard my pickup truck.''

Jawjuh - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: ``My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.''

Munts - noun. A calendar division. Usage: ``My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't heard from him in munts.''

Heavy Dew - phrase. A request for action. Usage: ``Kin I heavy dew me a favor?''

Haze - a contraction. Usage: ``Is Bubba smart?'' ``Nah, haze ignert.''

Rats - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: ``We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats.''

Gummit - noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: ``Great . . . another gummit shutdown!''

Farn - adjective. Not local. Usage: ``I couldn't unnerstand a wurd he sed . I think ease farn.

Wishn y'all'ed give us 1 o dem translaters fer Nu Englishter speek. If'n it looked good, I mite even ride up in my cah to git a copy, ya hear!

[Tim]

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

[Mainer]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

[jay]

Originally posted by Mainer
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....


10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
...

They aren't?

[N_Jay]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Mainer
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....


10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Originally posted by jay
[B] They aren't?

Heck, NO!!!!

Everyone knows they are "Play Ball!"

[N_Jay]

TSA Song

[shellebelle]

Originally posted by N_Jay
TSA Song

[Tim]

Originally posted by N_Jay
TSA Song

So true............(this should also be on the Airbus A380 thread)

[Mainer]

ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !


Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ....


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Art]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally
ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of
his Range Rover and sat down on the grass, totally distraught. The whole
world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
polished it and immediately a genie appeared. 'You have freed me from
thousands of years of imprisonment,' said the genie.' As a reward, I shall
grant you one wish.'

'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need, but let me
show you this dog.' They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.
'Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?' the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. 'This body
is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else
you would like?'

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two
photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,' said Prince
Charles, showing the genie the first photo. 'But now I love this woman
called Camilla,' and he showed the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla
isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful
as Diana?'

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, 'Let's
have a look at that dog again.

[ramirami]

Originally posted by Art


The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, 'Let's
have a look at that dog again.

which one...the one he killed or the one he married