Jokes

[steelblue]

Subject: OH ZIT

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten
styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[Tim]

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car", he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it", he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"

[Scoobs]

HOW MANY COWS?





HOW MANY COWS?


This explains global economic rationalisation !





AN AMERICAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime and steal
someone
else's cows and shoot the owner.




----------------------------------------------------------------------


A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION


A farmer has two cows.
You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the
international
community to supply more.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


A JAPANESE CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
market
them World-Wide.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


A GERMAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and
milk themselves.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


A BRITISH CORPORATION


You have two cows.
Both are mad.




----------------------------------------------------------------------


AN INDIAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You pray to them for food.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION


You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.




----------------------------------------------------------------------


A SWISS CORPORATION


You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


A CHINESE CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.
The one on the left is kinda cute...

[Mainer]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's
morals, liked to stick her nose into other people's business. Several
residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her
enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his fancy new Honda Ridgeline pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that it was obvious what he was
doing there.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
House................ and left it there all night

[colorider]

Are You a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between
Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot.


You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content ju! st to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

[Mainer]

Sex Survey

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead...

[ramirami]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time
and decided it was finally time to marry. Before
the wedding, they had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might
work. They
discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the
subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused .... then he asked, "Was that one
word or two?"

[Pilot-Matt]

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past several years.



Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......
.......................
I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
........................
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
.......................
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
.........................
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
...........................
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
.........................
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
............................
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
.........................
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
.........................
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
.........................
I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
...........................
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
........................
I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
............................
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
.............................
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
..............................
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
.............................

I WILL NOW RETURN THE FAVOR.....

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.

[Titans Fan]

This is not good but I thought I should pass it along. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was. . . picture and all!!

I definitely removed mine. I suggest you do the same... Go to the web site and check it out. Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove". This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.

http://www.license.shorturl.com

[steelblue]

Originally posted by Titans Fan
This is not good but I thought I should pass it along. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was. . . picture and all!!

I definitely removed mine. I suggest you do the same... Go to the web site and check it out. Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove". This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.

http://www.license.shorturl.com

You got me. That's a good one.

[Tim]

Originally posted by Titans Fan
This is not good but I thought I should pass it along. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was. . . picture and all!!

I definitely removed mine. I suggest you do the same... Go to the web site and check it out. Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove". This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.

http://www.license.shorturl.com

Me---> <---Titans Fan

[Sportymonk]

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be
almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, Congratulations! You get another chance.

And last but not least.......if you are over 50 and wake up without pain, you're dead.

[colorider]

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:


DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

[AWGD8]

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there! (CLICK THE LINK)

http://img410.imageshack.us/img410/4921/blonde2jf.jpg

[BigDogDad]

I just got my new Lexus RX400h a few weeks ago. I returned to the dealer last week, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this! He said, Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" He continued . and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, an older couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. "A**HOLES!" I yelled.....

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda
and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on
drums and Bill Clinton on sax....

I LOVE this car!!!!!!!!!