Funny Stories/Rymes/Lists

[camanopilot]

Here are some funny, well at least amusing stories, lists, rhymes and alleged articles. You all can be the judge of - if they're funny - true (or should be true).

[camanopilot]

'Twas the night before startup
and all through the house
not a program was working,
there clicked not a mouse

The users were nestled all snug in their beds
with visions of systems alive in their heads.
The programmers slumped round their screens in despair
and felt that a miracle now would be fair.

Then from the back office there rose such a chatter
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter
and there to my marveling eyes did appear
a wonder programmer �_ with a six pack of beer.

His resume glowed with experience so rare
he turned out great code with that bit-pusher's flair.
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code like a sitcom berserk.

A wink of his eye and a nod of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
More smoothly than salesmen his programs they come;
he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

On update, on add, on inquire and delete,
on batch jobs, on closing on functions complete.
His eyes all glazed over, hands nimble and lean,
from long days and nights spent in front of a screen.

He tapped and he hammered, he nothing did shirk,
turning specs into code; then he turned with a smirk,
and laying his finger upon Enter key,
the system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated, the deletes all deleted,
the inquiries inquired and the closing completed.
He tested each whistle, he tested each bell,
and with nary an append it all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
the client’s last changes were even included.
Then the user explained in apocalypt font,
"It’s just what I asked for, but not what I want."

[camanopilot]

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
"Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

[camanopilot]

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[camanopilot]

Of course, we have to have a Lord of the Rings reference:

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on.

I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it."

To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth.

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C20 4F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272 696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062 696E64207468656D

"I cannot read the fiery letters," I said. "No," he said, "but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"

"One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

[camanopilot]

20. The radio would be computerized, but you'd need to install 64 Meg of RAM, a new sound card, a game card, a new video driver, a CD drive, and type C:\radio\talk\rush*.* to get it to play.

19. The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts.

18. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50.

17. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.

16. Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail?"

15. For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.

14. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for "Brake".

13. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year- instead of before it.

12. They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

11. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.

9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.

7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.

6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.

3. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.

3a. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.

2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.

1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years.

[camanopilot]

10. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
9. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
8. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
7. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
6. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
5. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code!
3. Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
2. You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

[camanopilot]

* Word processors never display a cursor.

* You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

* All monitors display inch-high letters.

* The most relevant information is displayed in a separate windows right in the middle of the screen, but there's never an Ok button to other way to close it.

* High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

* Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

* Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see Fortress).

* All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

* Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.

* The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. (See The Hunt For Red October or Alien)

* All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

* Corollary: sending data to a modem/tape drive/printer faster than expected causes it to explode.

* People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. (See the opening credits for The Hunt For Red October)

* A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

* Any PERMISSION DENIED error has an OVERRIDE function (see Demolition Man and countless others).

* Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems (especially the wireless ones they must be using when they're in the car) usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

* When the power plant/missile-site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

* If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access them.

* No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

* The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because none of the buttons are labelled.

* Most computers, no matter how small, are able to produce reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics, with little or no detailed input from the user.

* Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

* Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see Alien, 2001, Jurassic Park).

* Either a Jacob's Ladder or a Van Der Graaf Generator is absolutely necessary for the operation of new, experimental computers (especially when built by brilliant scientists), although in real life, these devices do absolutely nothing.

* One can issue any complex set of commands in a few keystokes (see Star Trek).

* The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search (and edit) drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just using the internet! (see The Net)

* Smashing the VDU prevents the whole system from working (see Speed).

* You can launch nuclear missles from any bedroom using an analog modem, but only if you know a single secret password (see War Games).

[camanopilot]

what caused that error message?
i'm sure it wasn't me.
now there is another one -
and i didn't touch a key!
i bought a brand new program,
hope it didn't have a bug.
i think it's much more likely
it was caused by a mug.
the screen is black, the cursor's gone,
someone must have hid it.
aha, now it's back again -
but i don't know how i did it!
i'm sure that this computer
has a mind of its own,
so until i find an expert
better leave the thing alone!
well, now i'm on the internet,
i wish i had been told -
that all my little problems
would increase a thousand-fold!
i dialed up my home page,
just to have a look around
at anything of interest -
but the server can't be found.
finally it's working,
i access many sites,
got lots of information -
downloaded megabytes.
but how many bugs and cookies?
and they now know where i am,
so they'll use their planted spyware
to send me lots of spam.
i've had to quickly shut down,
'cos something froze the screen
and when i turned it on again
everything was green!
now having trouble starting up,
must be worse than it looks.
is it a virus or a worm?
oh well, back to reading books!

[camanopilot]

Microsoft refused to comment today on the U.S. Army's return of the customized version of Windows XP that was purchased by the military to be loaded onto the Army's new S.C.P.B.C.D. units. These units are the Army's answer to continual requests from battlefield commanders for a Self Contained Personal Battlefield Computing Device. These devices are to allow battle field Commanders to keep in touch with their troops at all times, and so the troops can relay field intelligence back to command for continuous theatre of operation awareness.

It seems that when the Army test-loaded the customized operating system into their S.C.P.B.C.D.'s, it refused to allow the operators to install device drivers for the cellular modem unless the driver was digitally signed by Microsoft. This, among other installation problems were eventually corrected and the real testing began.

The military has never been one to accept off-the-shelf consumer products for use by their troops, so in an attempt to overcome this, some changes were made to the XP operating system, as shown below.

Some users said they enjoyed the updated interface in comparison to the standard monochromatic interface previously used on the prototype S.C.P.B.C.D.'s. Others claimed the new interface made them "queasy". Due to size limitations, the new units are only available with a 4-inch wide by 3-inch tall LCD screen, which is not optimal for displaying the graphic heavy Windows interface, and as such makes effectively communicating intelligence reports quite difficult indeed. The soldiers who were randomly selected for the tests also complained about the fact that the units lack a private and secure messaging system to communicate with since the default messaging system routes their intelligence reports through MSN. As of the end of the testing there was not a fix for this, yet Microsoft had promised "Soon, really, we mean it.".

Apparently the fixes did not come soon enough as the Army cancelled the tests and returned all of the licensed copies to Microsoft stating that "At this time, we feel the software has yet to catch up with the hardware, and we are moving back to our Unix based systems."

An odd twist in this story is that Microsoft is reportedly considering legal action against the U.S. Army on the count of software piracy. Sources which wished to remain annonymous stated that the software giant claims that the Army is still using the customized operating system in it's continued tests. The Army representative we spoke with claims they are not pirating software, it's just that they can't get the software to uninstall properly.

[camanopilot]

So you are looking to upgrade,
Tell you what my friend,
I'll relate one of my stories,
So you can defend,
Against all of the annoyances,
And all the bad times,
Why don't you keep reading,
My upgrade rhyme.

A new Hard Drive, graphics card, CD-ROM, and case,
Just to take the lead in the Jones's race,
A new Motherboard, CPU, new Memory too,
I stared on in horror as this evil bill grew,
Pentium 4-1.6 gigahertz,
What? I exclaimed as my headache got worse,
Won't run '95b! I screamed with a gasp,
My favorite operating system, obsolete at last.

Here is a nice one, it has 'Intel Inside',
The salesman said as he swelled up with pride,
AMD, Cyrix, are last of the bunch,
It is now that damned Intel that packs the most punch,
A punch to the wallet I found out real fast,
My budget discarded, as they eyed my cash,
A new stick of RAM and a floppy drive too?
Why is it that my old stuff simply won't do?
'Oh' I said as I became more confused,
So much for keeping my old Pentium 2.

'All of the new ones use Pentium 4',
The shop-keeper said as I looked for the door,
No! I thought desperately as I looked around,
A 'budget' computer was not to be found!
Around this time I felt somewhat groggy,
And my memory of events is a little bit foggy,
I left the store in a rapture and with a rather large bill,
And a hole in my bank account my paycheck wouldn't fill.

When I hear someone mention an upgrade or two,
My brain starts to hurt, and I feel so confused,
To this day I cannot remember the lines I was fed,
Yet I still feel a shiver, and quiver with dread,
Don't get me wrong, the computer is great,
But if you don't need it, I advise you to wait,
Because soon enough a new one comes out,
And all the consumers will be heard to shout,
'But I just bought this one, and it's obsolete?'
I fear it is true my friends, it happened last week.

As computers get better, and cheaper to build,
It is we, the consumer, who must foot the bill,
As far as speed goes we shout 'We need more!',
Which is dictated to us, by the software stores,
It's a vicious cycle, this computer upgrade,
Once we complete it, all-new parts are made,
They are much faster, and better we're told,
So if we don't upgrade, we're out in the cold,
When you want to upgrade think of this rhyme,
And remember my advice to just bide your time.

Remember an upgrade is just to go faster,
And try to block out the fat cat's grim laughter,
For if you do not and you listen out of fear,
You will hear the hardware fat cat whisper 'An upgrade is near',
For all of my nay-saying, and doom filled rhyme,
I must say an upgrade can be good time to time,
Just do not obsess with the latest cool gear,
Or you will forever hear whispers 'An upgrade is near'.

[camanopilot]

with apologies to Edgar Allen Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary,
Upgrading to 98, and oh so weary,
Whence upon mine eyes that were so bleary,
Fell an image I am now fearing.

My disk is not optimized oh so well?
Fat 32 shall correct this so please don't dwell,
The fate of my data in it's hands fell,
My format did it sent straight to Hell.

It stores much better it did claim,
Something mistrustful in it's name,
Fat 32 convertor, was I insane?
Yet I guess I am to blame.

So onward forth did I care free tread,
Images of recombined data in my head,
Lack of sleep making my eyes go red,
So with the process I went ahead.

Ready to reboot it deftly quoted,
Dreams of extra space in my head floated,
More space at no cost it softly purported,
Lordship of my data it quietly gloated.

Waiting and waiting my confidence shrank,
Watching my screen slowly go blank,
Inward into itself my computer shrank,
And for this whom have I to thank?

What doth thou mean invalid partition?
All of my data consumed by this Gryphon,
If I only knew before I would be soon be wishing,
My allocation tables I was not risking.

I knew then that my OS crashed,
Within the disk, formats clashed,
Blinking lights on my computer flashed,
Thoroughly my data it had trashed.

After several minutes I did look,
Within the holy instructions book,
It said there was no chance in what I took,
I felt as though I had been rooked.

The repair disk the book claimed to need,
Was the one the computer refused to read,
Would not repair the result of my greed,
For hard drive space that I did not need.

In my haste and wanton lust,
For hard drive space it was a bust,
Tools in which I did place my trust,
Betrayed me only to leave me lost.

In the wee hours of the morning,
If you hear a soft little groaning,
Know it is but I my hard drive moaning,
For which my format I am mourning.

[camanopilot]

NEW YORK -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's watch list of companies that regularly practice software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products." said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available"

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.

"It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day the are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and "crashed" for hours on end. They spend the whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore".

Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.

"We know that alternatives to this horror exist." he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing.

[camanopilot]

(A different twist from a previous)
&
(with appologies to 'The Raven' by Edgar Allan Poe)

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some
more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The
cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From Choose
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine, accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the
night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core. The
lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

[camanopilot]

DOS AIR All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.

WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.

MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

OS/2 SKYWAYS The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.

FLY WINDOWS NT All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

WINGS of AS/400 The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.

VMS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!

UNIX EXPRESS Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.